30: Reflecting on the Last 10 Years

Since I’ve turned the big 3 0 on the 11th of April, I took the time to reflect on the last decade, thinking whether I am happy at this current life stage of mine or not.
Have I achieved what I had wanted? No.
Any regrets? Possibly.
What have I learnt over time? A lot.
Growing up, my so-called life plan has always consisted of making good progress in my career, purchase my first house, settle down, married and have a least one kid before I turned 30; but the reality is, I’m far from this.

There’s a particular day back in 2012 where I’ve experienced the absolute worst day of my life. No words can describe that unpredictable moment that ultimately turned my life upside down. I’m still having to suppress the images, pain and emotions to this very day. It’s permanently scarred me, eating me up every now and again. That moment combined with pressure and the weight of the world on my shoulders, it’s changed my whole personality – pushing me to further isolate myself from everyone and everything, feeling more dead and cold inside. I had vowed to change over the past few years, to go back to the outgoing, bubbly character I once was. I’m gradually getting there but I realise I’ll never reach 100%.

Career-wise, I’m still finding my footing in the direction I’m going down. At least I finally have more clarity after years of cluelessness. A career break was all I had needed. Now, it’s just climbing those steps first before I can finally let out a sigh and breathe. Let the hard work commence. Job hunting generally isn’t easy but during a pandemic, that’s a whole different ball game. My confidence depleted, anxiety skyrocketed, had countless mental breakdowns, felt like I’ve hit rock bottom and am completely useless. When you’re in that situation, you don’t believe or see that there are others in the exact same position as yourself. Job search burnout was real. After months of blood, sweat and (mainly) tears, I’m happy to say I’m employed again, back into the industry I previously was in.

Carrying on from the career break note, there were times where I had thought it was premature of me to take one after only a little over 3.5 years into my career. There were times of possible regret because jumping back into work isn’t easy. The longer you’ve been away, the higher the risk you are as a potential hire. Was I naive back then? On the other hand, there are no “defined guidelines” as to when there is a right time. Only you know yourself.

Love still isn’t a priority for me. I’m so used to being independent that I can’t envision marriage and kids in my future whatsoever. I’m even questioning whether I genuinely want these. Right now, I’m leaning more towards no. I still feel cold and dead inside which may be why, or it possibly could be a mix of many factors. In all honesty, it’s the least of my worries. Next.

We all know that life doesn’t pan out the way we want it. It’s nice to see that we are slowly normalising this, that it is OK to fail and to not be ashamed of it. We never see what’s going on behind the scenes of each success story. Success is different in everyone’s eyes. I’m also glad that we are normalising to not fall into the before 30 life pressures. Plans and thoughts may change but there’s one thing that will remain the same – to always learn. Cheesy? Who knows what my 30’s will consist of. When I’m 40, I’ll reflect again and compare it to this.

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